Cool Ways to Kill Yourself

I was browsing the web one night, feeling really low so I decided to browse for something odd. Baka there’s something in the web that can make me re-think everything that is happening around me, with me and in me. Lalim no. I was really feeling hopeless. So sabi ko sa sarili ko, why not try killing yourself. Hahaha, sabi ko, bakit nga ba hindi. It’s like solving all the problems I have with one stroke. Nga naman. It’s like the perfect solution. That’s what I thought, hehehe. Got some help from Scott Christensen, Bob Rich, Wikipedia and Yahoo Answers. So here’s what I found out.

Committing suicide with style

If you've been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are some suggestions on how to kill yourself. Even if you don't use these exclusive royalty free suicide methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Nga naman, your committing suicide na, so why not do in style. Die in fashion, hehehe. Why not leave a legacy?
For a suicide attempt to be Church of Euthanasia to be approved, it should follow these criteria’s (isipin mo yun, pati suicide e me criteria).

Quick, Painless, Certain, Discreet, Safe. . . . .teka, ano daw? Safe? Suicide nga e, pano nagging safe? E di hindi ka namatay. Ogag ano? Anyway, ituloy natin. Accessible, Tidy (so out na ang magbaril sa ulo), Rationale.

OK, let’s go into the details of this.

QUICK: Fast methods cause less psychological anguish, and provide less opportunity to "chicken out". Nga naman, bawal na magbago ng isip kapag gusto mo magpakamatay. Why be unnecessarily tormented by doubts and second thoughts? An ideal method would be essentially instantaneous.

PAINLESS: The Church of Euthanasia opposes suffering, even for humans. Therefore a Church-approved method must be at least painless, if not outright enjoyable. Enjoyable? So dapat pala e magenjoy while doing this.

CERTAIN: A failed suicide usually results in close surveillance, or even confinement to a mental hospital, greatly reducing the odds of a successful second attempt. In addition, many suicide methods have the potential to cause severe suffering if unsuccessful, in the form of irreversible organ damage, disfigurement, and so forth. An ideal method would be 100% certain to cause death, with no chance of mere injury. Sakit kaya ng paulit ulit na maglaslas ng pulso. Nakakafrustrate pa dahil hindi ka successful sa attempts mo.

DISCREET: Many methods would be effective under ideal conditions, but in practice have too great a risk of detection. No matter how promising the method may be from other perspectives, it is useless unless you can get away with it. So bawal magkwento sa iba ng balak mo. Secret dapat.

SAFE: Safe to others, not you! The Church of Euthanasia only supports VOLUNTARY population reduction. An ideal method would have zero chance of "collateral damage" to other living things. NO COMMENT.

ACCESSIBLE: No matter how nifty a method sounds, it doesn't do you anygood if you can't obtain it, and obtain it discreetly at that. Nga naman.

TIDY: Don't be selfish! If you make a nasty mess, someone will have to discover it, and clean it up too. That someone could be a friend or family member. Most people aren't trained to deal with trauma, and even if they are, that doesn't mean they like it. No one is going to appreciate mopping up bits of your head. Nga naman, hindi ka senyorito o senyorita para me maglinis ng kalat mo. Hindi rin kaya sakop yan ng job description ng katulong mo, hehehe.

Weird no, me criteria pa. Pero eto mas weird. Below are some actual suggestions on how to effectively commit suicide.

Jumping

Here are a couple of great ways to kill yourself by jumping off a tall building, or cliff, or basically anything really high (OK na kaya ung 3 stories? Ayoko umakyat ng bundok or cliff, mapapagod ako) . The thing about these is that they generally work best if you can get a big crowd watching before you jump. Don't do it when there is no one around (so hindi ideal sa bundok, yes). There's just no bloody point in that.

Explosives Strapped to Your Body
Difficulty level: 7

1. Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better. (pwede na ba 5-star?)
Hook up a detonator to an altimeter (ano daw?). Set it for 100-200 feet. That will give you good dispersion.
2. Mix vaseline and gasoline in a bucket.
3. Find a really tall building. Something like the World Trade Center (not anymore, but you get the idea smarty pants) is perfect and is in a sufficiently crowded area to generate the proper sized crowd.
4. Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a very reliable wind-proof lighter. Torch lighters are best. (so bibili pa ako, hindi ba pwede posporo?)
5. Bring your materials to the top of your building (kapagod kaya yun). Liberally apply the vaseline-gasoline mixture to your entire body. Duct tape the explosives around your legs, arms, head and torso. The more explosives you use, the better. Attach the altimeter to the explosives.
6. Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not visible.
Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure to attract notice. Drag this part out as long as possible. Say anything that comes to mind but try to stay away from real problems. Your love life does not make for a good sound bite, something about trees telling you to kill yourself works good. Ask for news cameras from the major networks, so you can warn them of the coming tree invasion. Pace around while waving your arms and pointing a lot. If there are trees around, point at them.
7. DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police will clear the area and you definitely don't want that (OK, DO NOT daw).
8. When you've gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the helicopters are hovering like vultures, whip off the jacket and set yourself on fire.
9. Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump.
10. Try to steer yourself towards the people in the crowd who are chanting 'jump, jump, jump'. That way flaming falling body parts will pelt them when you explode. If you used enough explosives, everyone within seeing distance will have a piece of you.

Congratulations! You've just made history. I bet it feels good just thinking about it. But don't cheer up, there are plenty of other ways to do the deed.

Falling through Chain Saws
Difficulty level: 10

This is much more difficult to pull off. Instead of explosives, the money shot is you falling though three or four operating chain saws (e wala ako chain-saw, mahal din ang isa nun, wala akong pambili). You do not need as high a building for this --- anything above three stories will do (wala nga ako chain-saw e, kulit). Remember to use the vaseline-gasoline mixture. That's the ingredient that adds pizzazz.

Bullet in Your Head (Wala ako baril, mahal ang baril, makalat pagkatapos, wag na to)
Difficulty level: 1

HAMMER a bullet into your skull (HA? OK ka lang). Make sure there is an empty gun nearby but do not fire it (a gun that has never been fired works best in this situation). Bash the bullet into your frontal lobe. It doesn't matter how you get it done it will perplex the authorities for years and you will, most assuredly, be a hot news topic. You'll probably even make it on MythBusters. Hell, you want fame in death to rival the obscurity you had in life don't you?

Death by Hairball
Difficulty level: 3

Get a cat or a dog and brush it every day (wala ako aso or pusa at allergic pati ako sa balahibo ng pusa or aso). Save the hair until you have a giant hairball. Plug up your nose then shove the hairball into your mouth.
Leave a cryptic note about how you believe little Fluffy or Rover was planning to kill you in your sleep.

Meat Grinder
Difficulty level: 11

Find a sausage making company that has a giant meat grinder (So maghahanap pa ako, pahirap talaga to). Set up a hidden video camera to tape your death. Leave a will with explicit instructions that it not be read until one year after the night of your grinding. In it, detail the way you died and the location of the hidden camera.
Sneak in at night naked and turn on the video camera. Climb into the grinder and take massive amounts of pills of your choice. Make sure it is enough to kill you.
In the morning you will be ground up and made into sausages (Gross, pero that is one way of sharing yourself to everyone, hehehe). One year later your will, will be read to the news media and people all around the nation will vomit simultaneously (Nice).

Drown in Your Own Urine
Difficulty level: 8

Get a huge vat or possibly an above ground pool. Save all your urine (tagal kaya bago maipon yun, tapos ang init pa ditto e di natuyo agad ung ihi ko). Drown yourself in it (Eeeiiiwww). Put a note on the side of the pool saying, "MY URINE."
This method would work for any body fluid: vomit, snot, dooty. For you despondent guys out there: A vat of your own sperm would be truly impressive. You will have to get some viagra and work frantically for years, but what else have you got to do?

Chop Your Own Head Off While Standing Next to a Major World Leader
Ingratiate yourself with your chosen mark. Get his/her/its confidence. Become a trusted member of the inner circle.
Sew a hand ax into a coat or jacket so that it is easily removable but not particularly visible.
Make a statement. Video tape is preferable because the TV news shows love visuals. The more visual material they have the better. The next best thing would be audio tape. It won't hold an audience as well but at least it can be played under the video of your death. Never write a letter. No one reads anymore. No one will care. Make sure your message will be easily found on your corpse.
On the day of a major rally, with hundreds or thousands of attendees and lots of television cameras, wear the coat with the hand ax attached.
Send backup copies of your message to as many news outlets as you can on the appointed day.
Stand in the background as you remove the ax from the coat. When you are finished move slowly toward your dignitary.
As the event reaches its climax, whip out the ax and lop off your own head. If possible try to run around like a chicken. Make sure to get as much blood on the famous person as possible. Aim well. That will be the image that gets the news coverage.
Bask in your glorious death. You've made the supreme sacrifice to save the world and have ended the torment that was your existence.
Let me think. Dami naman dapat gawin. Kakatamad na tuloy.

Assisted Suicide

Sometimes you need help. Sometimes it takes a committee. Some of the many ways of suicide are just too complicated to do alone. These are perfectly valid routes to bliss and will not taint, in any way, your death. (Hmmmm, Ka Beza, Barbie, Tiny need help)

Plug 'Em Up
Difficulty level: -1

Get a lot of ten-ton epoxy to seal any and all body openings. Wait a while. Explode. (pwede, pwede, pero eexplode ako? E di makalat din)
This method contributed by Scott Disanno

Intest You Intest Me
Difficulty level: 4

Sometimes you want to do something violent and bloody but you just don't have the wherewithal to assemble a cache of assault weapons. This method is simple and convenient for those on limited budgets.
Make a small incision in your stomach.
Pull out your intestines.
Hang yourself with the intestines.
A cryptic note about aliens might be a nice touch.
Ok na sana to, kaso. . .ang SAKIT kaya nung huhugutin mo bituka mo tapos yun gagamitin mong pangbigti, kaasar ha.

Suicide is hard work. A lot to consider and a lot to prepare. Hindi pwede ang mistakes kasi you might end up dealing with the trauma and injuries you get when your suicide fails.
Common guys, I did not uploaded this article to convince you or encourage you to commit suicide.

Honestly, I have thought of it hundreds of times. I’ve been through a lot, trust me. Pero again it’s not the solution you want to use to resolve your problems. Better face all of it, swallow the consequences of your actions and do what is needed to change. Sometimes I feel it’s already late. Already late to correct or better myself, already too late to win back what I have lost. Pero if I heed the calling to commit suicide, then pano ko pa maiimprove sarili ko or maibabalik mga bagay na nawala sakin. Hindi na dib a? Life sometimes suck, live with it. There’s always hope. And our lives doesn’t stop with just one problem, with one depression or one failure. Life’s one hell of a joy ride with its ups and downs. Live life and try to enjoy it to the fullest. Not for yourself only but for the others depending on you. – tipaks. . .